It’s no secret that children deal with big emotions. Pouty faces, eye rolls, temper tantrums, and door slams, albeit frustrating to parents and caregivers, are all examples of a child’s attempts to release emotions and express themselves.
As children grow into adults, they learn how to navigate the world, one day at a time. This never-ending learning experience entails understanding how to accept disappointment, handle disagreements, express themselves clearly, and live life on life’s terms. As guardians, it’s our job to teach children how to manage daily life in a way that’s constructive, safe, and makes sense to them.
Here’s why it’s important to teach children how to honor their emotions, and five ways to do so.
Teaching Kids to Express, not Repress
Children learn how to identify emotions and recognize emotional cues from others as early as 3 years old. By age 5, they learn a level of emotional regulation and impulse control, and how to express feelings openly.
Coincidingly, children learn how to gauge their emotions and respond accordingly based on their caregivers’ reactions. For example, if a child’s cries are met with hostility or dismissal, over time the child will attempt to repress their cries to avoid a negative reaction.
As young, small people in this world, children aim to please their caregivers and constantly seek (and need) approval and love. When these needs go unmet, children will blame themselves, and much of this self-blame reflects in their emotional expression—or lack thereof. All children are different, so while some may appear hostile, aggressive, and disobedient as a response to repressed emotions, others may be withdrawn, depressed, and/or aloof.
Emotional expression serves as a release. When emotions are repressed, this can directly segue into problems such as child substance abuse and/or antisocial, violent behaviors. Without the skills needed to manage emotions, attempts may be made to numb these tough feelings to carry on with life. The result of these unhealthy coping mechanisms may be addictions to substances or antisocial behaviors that continue into adulthood—which is why it’s so important to encourage and support childrens’ emotional expression.
1. Use Visual Cues
You may introduce the ongoing topic of emotional regulation to children by first teaching them how to identify emotions. Visual cues are, perhaps, among the easiest ways to do so, offering children the ability to interact with the experience.
You may use a poster board or flashcards that display facial expressions, as well as age-appropriate books, or stuffies to represent feelings. If your child is having trouble expressing themselves, you can refer to these visual cues as a way to help them pinpoint the emotion(s) they are feeling. Pairing words with visual cues is a straightforward way for children to comprehend the relationship between facial expressions and feelings.
2. Play Charades
After working through the visual cues, you can challenge your child to identify emotions with a game of charades. Act out different scenarios, demonstrating when happiness, anger, sadness, confusion, etc., would be appropriate, and give the child a chance to correctly label the emotions. You can also draw pictures of different faces or use toys that allow you to change its facial expressions. Once the child gets the hang of identifying emotions, encourage them to draw pictures or act out these emotions as well.
3. Validate Their Feelings
Remember, children are adults in training. With each passing day, they learn more and more about how to manage life and all its affairs. So, even if a child appears to have strong feelings about a seemingly ridiculous or nonsensical situation, approach it from a place of understanding. Do not downplay their feelings with remarks like, “Stop making such a big deal about it,” or “You are too much.”
Instead, seek to comprehend the situation from their point of view. If a child is upset because you said “no” to a new toy at the store, respond with something like, “I know you really, really want the toy, and that you are feeling angry because I said no. I feel angry when I don’t get what I want too.” Then, follow up with a comforting hug.
Your feelings are valid, and theirs are too. Create a safe space for them to feel comfortable sharing how they feel, and then guide them through those feelings with a sense of understanding.
4. Teach Emotional Regulation Techniques
Together with emotional awareness, it’s important to teach children how to manage their emotions with appropriate regulation techniques. For example, children need to understand that feeling angry isn’t justification for aggressive behavior, such as hitting, spitting, or spouting harsh words. Children must be taught that, while it’s okay to feel angry, it’s their responsibility to control their actions.
Sometimes this step takes quite a few tries and a combination of different techniques to get right. The technique(s) that work for one child may not work for another. It’s also possible for a technique to work in some situations and not in others; it’s all a matter of trial and error.
Here are a few calm-down strategies to consider:
- Taking a break: Encourage the child to ask for a time-out when they need a moment to collect themselves. Suggest taking a drink of water, stepping outside (with an adult companion), or stretching. The child can determine when they feel ready to reenter the situation.
- Performing deep breathing exercises; Direct the child to a quiet place, if possible. Have them close their eyes, and then breathe in deeply for five seconds and out for eight. Ensure the process is not rushed and encourage the child to take their time. Educate yourself on the effectiveness of controlling your breath, so you can explain the benefits to them as well.
- Counting: Counting is a simple but effective way to distract the mind by giving it a simple task. By not focusing on the situation that made the child angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, etc., they have a chance to recover from big emotions and begin to process what happened. The child can count aloud, in their head, or count objects surrounding them, such as floor tiles, rocks, or clouds in the sky.
- Engaging in creative expression: Many people turn to the arts as a way to cope with feelings. Drawing, coloring, painting, sculpting, and doing other arts and crafts can support both expression and processing. Put together a kit complete with paper, coloring books, markers, crayons, colored pencils, non-toxic putty, and other items that your child can use freely. Busy hands help to free a busy mind, after all.
5. Be Patient
It takes patience to deal with our own feelings and the feelings of other adults. It’ll certainly take patience to manage the feelings of a child—and it’s important to recognize this.
The way you respond to a child’s emotions and the surrounding situation will directly influence their experience in regard to feeling safe with self-expression, how to express themselves, and what’s considered appropriate in different contexts. If you are dismissive, they’ll learn that their feelings aren’t important and turn to adverse responses such as repression.
Don’t forget to nurture yourself, honor your own emotions, and seek out the support you need in order to be a secure and stable support for your child.
