Managing Conflict Without Involving the Children: Practical Strategies for Co-Parents

Guidance from the Maryland Parent Q&A Forum

Separation and divorce can bring significant changes to family life. Even after custody arrangements are established, disagreements about schedules, communication, parenting decisions, and household expectations can continue to create tension.

For children, however, the greatest challenge is often not the disagreement itself, but being exposed to the conflict surrounding it.

During our recent Maryland Parent Q&A Forum, hosted by OnlineParentingPrograms.com, family and child specialist Nolanda Robert, MS, CCFC, and family law attorney Michael Mastracci, Esq., shared practical strategies for managing conflict while protecting children’s emotional well-being.

The discussion addressed real challenges facing Maryland families, including difficult exchanges, communication boundaries, uncooperative co-parents, custody disagreements, and situations where additional professional support may be necessary.

Throughout the session, one principle remained central: Children should never be responsible for managing conflict between adults.

1. Keep Conflict Away From Parenting Exchanges

Pick-ups and drop-offs are common opportunities for disagreements to escalate. A question about a schedule, a forgotten item, or an unresolved issue can quickly turn an ordinary exchange into a confrontation.

Mike Mastracci encouraged parents to keep transitions brief and uneventful. In some situations, a simple greeting and confirmation of necessary information are enough.

Rather than attempting to resolve disagreements during an exchange, parents can establish a separate time or method for discussing concerns.

Consider these strategies:

Keep exchanges focused on the child’s transition between households.
Avoid discussing unresolved disagreements in front of children.
Use written communication for issues that require a longer discussion.
Establish predictable exchange locations and procedures.
Allow children to greet and say goodbye to each parent without feeling caught in the middle.

When direct contact is unsafe because of threats, harassment, or domestic violence, parents may need supervised exchanges or other protective arrangements.

The goal is to make transitions feel routine and secure, rather than emotionally charged.

2. Communicate With Purpose, Not Emotion

Communication between separated parents does not have to be frequent or friendly to be effective. What matters most is that essential information about the children is exchanged clearly and respectfully.

Nolanda Robert recommended the BIFF communication method: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.

This approach encourages parents to focus on necessary information rather than responding to accusations, criticism, or emotionally charged messages.

For example, instead of writing:

“You never communicate with me about appointments, and I’m tired of finding everything out at the last minute.”

A more constructive message might be:

“Our child’s appointment is Thursday at 3:00 p.m. Please let me know by Tuesday if you plan to attend.”

The second message communicates the necessary information without introducing additional conflict.

Parents may also benefit from establishing reasonable expectations about when and how they communicate. Not every message requires an immediate response, and disagreements do not always need to be resolved in a single conversation.

3. Establish Boundaries That Protect Your Household

Healthy boundaries can be especially important when a co-parenting relationship involves repeated arguments, unexpected visits, or difficulty respecting personal space.

During the Q&A, one parent described concerns about an ex-partner arriving unexpectedly at night.

The panel emphasized the importance of setting clear expectations about visits and communication while maintaining appropriate documentation of concerning incidents.

Parents experiencing similar challenges may benefit from:

Establishing agreed-upon times and locations for exchanges.
Communicating boundaries in writing.
Keeping factual records of repeated disruptions or concerning behavior.
Seeking legal guidance when an existing court order is not being followed.
Prioritizing personal and child safety when a situation becomes threatening.

Mike also encouraged parents to manage their own emotional responses through healthy outlets, including counseling, physical activity, and other forms of self-care.

Setting boundaries is not about punishing the other parent. It is about creating a more stable environment for the family.

4. Never Make Children Messengers, Referees, or Confidants

Children should not be asked to deliver messages, report on the other household, or help resolve disagreements between their parents.

Even when adults believe they are protecting children by speaking quietly or avoiding direct confrontation, children may still recognize tension and become anxious about what is happening.

Nolanda emphasized that children can be affected by overhearing conversations about custody, conflict, or disagreements involving their names.

Parents can reduce this burden by discussing sensitive issues privately, avoiding negative comments about the other parent, and reassuring children that adult disagreements are not their responsibility.

If a child asks about an ongoing conflict, a simple, age-appropriate response may be helpful:

“We are working through some decisions, but those are adult responsibilities. You do not need to worry about solving them.”

Children benefit from knowing that they can love both parents without being expected to choose sides.

5. Choose Which Disagreements Truly Require Action

Not every difference in parenting style or scheduling requires intervention.

During the forum, Mike discussed how disputes involving the right of first refusal (a provision that may require one parent to offer the other an opportunity to care for the child before arranging alternative childcare) can sometimes create unnecessary litigation.

Minor scheduling differences or occasional disagreements can become larger conflicts when parents focus on proving that the other person is wrong.

Nolanda encouraged parents to establish practical backup childcare arrangements and focus on decisions that genuinely affect children’s needs.

Before responding to a disagreement, parents might ask themselves:

Does this issue affect my child’s health, safety, or emotional well-being?
Is this a violation of an existing court order or simply a difference in preference?
Can this issue be resolved through a brief, respectful conversation?
Would professional guidance help prevent the disagreement from escalating?

Choosing battles wisely does not mean ignoring serious concerns. It means distinguishing between situations that require action and those where flexibility may better serve the child.

6. When Cooperation Is Difficult, Focus on What You Can Control

Some parents make consistent efforts to communicate and cooperate but receive little or no response from the other parent.

In these circumstances, repeatedly requesting cooperation can become emotionally exhausting.

Mike encouraged parents to concentrate on essential issues, particularly those involving children’s education, medical care, and immediate needs.

Parents can maintain stability by following existing court orders, communicating necessary information through appropriate channels, and documenting important decisions.

Where cooperation remains difficult, a more structured or parallel parenting approach may help reduce direct conflict.

However, parents should not disregard shared decision-making responsibilities or existing custody orders simply because communication is challenging. Legal guidance may be necessary when a lack of cooperation prevents important decisions.

Successful parenting does not require controlling the other parent’s behavior. It requires making thoughtful decisions within the responsibilities and authority available to you.

7. Recognize When Additional Support Is Necessary

Some family disagreements cannot be resolved through improved communication alone.

During the Q&A, parents raised questions involving children with special needs, disputed custody schedules, counseling decisions, and children who resist contact with a parent.

The panel discussed several forms of professional assistance that may be appropriate depending on the circumstances:

Family mediation: A neutral professional helps parents explore possible agreements about parenting arrangements and other disputes.
Parenting coordination: A qualified professional may help parents manage ongoing disagreements and implement parenting arrangements.
Child-focused mental health support: Counseling or other appropriate services may help children experiencing emotional distress related to family conflict.
Legal assistance: An attorney or court self-help service can help parents understand available procedures when existing arrangements are no longer workable.

For children with autism or other developmental needs, parenting arrangements may require additional attention to routines, communication, sensory needs, and consistency. Qualified professionals familiar with the child’s individual needs can help families develop appropriate strategies.

The Maryland Courts provide information about Family Services, including mediation, parenting education, child counsel, custody evaluations, and supervised visitation. Availability and requirements vary by court and individual case.

8. Create a Parenting Plan That Reduces Opportunities for Conflict

A clear parenting plan can help parents anticipate disagreements before they arise.

In Maryland, parenting plans are required in cases where a party seeks custody or modification of custody, with certain exceptions. These plans address parenting time, decision-making responsibilities, and other important aspects of raising children across households.

Parents may benefit from establishing clear expectations regarding:

Regular parenting schedules and holiday arrangements.
Transportation and exchange procedures.
Communication about medical appointments and school activities.
Childcare arrangements and schedule changes.
How disagreements will be addressed when parents cannot reach an agreement.

The Maryland Judiciary’s Parenting Plans resource provides instructions and tools to help families understand these requirements.

A thoughtful parenting plan cannot prevent every disagreement, but it can reduce uncertainty and provide a consistent framework for making decisions.

Moving Forward: Children Need Stability, Not Perfect Agreement

One of the most meaningful messages from the Maryland Parent Q&A Forum was that reducing conflict begins with recognizing what parents can control.

Parents may not be able to change the other person’s opinions, communication style, or willingness to cooperate. They can, however, establish healthy boundaries, respond thoughtfully, seek appropriate support, and make decisions centered on their children’s needs.

In high-conflict situations, progress may look different for every family. It may involve fewer unnecessary conversations, more predictable exchanges, improved documentation, or assistance from a qualified professional.

Children do not need their parents to agree on everything. They need to know that adult disagreements will not become their responsibility.

By keeping children out of conflict and prioritizing stability, parents can help create an environment where children feel secure, supported, and free to maintain healthy relationships.

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Resources for Maryland Parents

During the Q&A sessions, the panel shared and discussed resources that parents may find helpful:

Meet the Experts

Nolanda Robert, MS, CCFC

Nolanda Robert is a Clinically Certified Forensic Counselor who has worked with families for more than 30 years. She has provided services to family courts since 2005, including interviewing and providing therapeutic intervention to children and adolescents involved in highly contested custody cases. She is also a trained mediator and parent coordinator and works with children and adults navigating divorce, custody disputes, emotional challenges, and high-conflict family situations.

Learn more about Nolanda Robert

Michael A. Mastracci, Esq.

Michael Mastracci is a Maryland attorney with more than 35 years of experience handling contested divorce and child custody cases. He is also a mediator and collaborative-law practitioner and the author of Stop Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations. Mike also brings personal experience to his work, having navigated a highly contested custody case following his own separation when his son was very young.

Learn more about Mike Mastracci

Thank You to the Maryland Courts

A special thank-you goes to the Maryland Courts for making this Q&A program available at no cost to parents.

Providing parents with access to experienced professionals and practical information can be an important resource for families navigating separation, custody, and co-parenting challenges. We appreciate the Maryland Courts’ commitment to connecting parents with information that can help them support their children.

Join Us for the Next Q&A Session

The conversation doesn’t have to stop here.

Our next Maryland Parent Q&A session will focus on Gratitude, Traditions, and Family Connections, an important topic for any family trying to navigate separation, divorce, or ongoing co-parenting challenges.

The next session is scheduled for November 11, 2026 at 6:30 PM.

Parents are encouraged to bring their questions and participate in the conversation.

Whether your family is navigating a relatively new separation or has been dealing with co-parenting challenges for years, the goal remains the same: helping children feel safe, supported, and free to be children – even when their parents are working through difficult circumstances.

Need to get in touch? Contact our Maryland Parent Q&A panel at qa@onlineparentingprograms.com.

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